Not here. No, really, I'm not here. I boarded a plane for Thailand last Friday. If the plane made it there without incident (I'll dwell on those fears momentarily), I am in Asia, savoring the sense of wonder. If only I could put that feeling in a bottle - the blue electricity of new experiences, new sensations, new pleasures. I find myself unable to hold a thought, pinned in my chair by nervous anticipation. So, I picked a few sites that seemed appropriate to the journey I'm about to undertake - and my friend Guy, ever the conscientious soul, sent me the fourth. Good thing, too, 'cause I really should be shopping for backpacks right now.

"My father says almost the whole world's asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says only a few people are awake. And they live in a state of constant, total amazement." This lovely thought is in the last place you would expect to find it: in the script of a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie. "Joe vs. The Volcano" differed from "You've Got Mail" and "Sleepless in Seattle" in several different ways (it made a tenth of the money those films made, for one thing), but one stands above all: "Joe vs. The Volcano" actually has an idea or two in its head. Written and directed by John Patrick Shanley - an Oscar winner for "Moonstruck" - "Joe" compresses a thousand years of mythology into an hour and a half of mirth and charm, and even a few questions. Why does Ryan play three roles? Why is Hanks' character empowered by the knowledge that he's going to die within a year? Shanley hid the answers inside broadly comic vignettes and dialogue so tight, it snaps back when pulled. This unofficial "Joe" site -- created with love by Richard Saylor - answers a few of the riddles and speculates on others, but for the most part, the site stands back and admires Shanley's world. It's a fine place, where bucolic islanders suffer an inexplicable addiction to orange soda and luggage can be "the central preoccupation" of someone's life. Dreamers awake, and walk.
 

Since I will have (hopefully) taken an 18-hour flight by the time you read this, I thought I'd include Taber's sophomoric (ah, but endearingly sophomoric) "Airtoons" site this week. Much like in the recent film "Fight Club" (go see the first three-quarters of it, if you haven't already), "Airtoons" spoofs the airline safety cards located in the upright seatback in front of you. The smiling, passive crash victims pictured on the cards now fight over oxygen masks ("Kids don't get any - they can just suffer like the little brats they are"), licorice fills every floatation device and "air condoms" are stored in overhead compartments for "in-flight quickies." It's funny, if a bit raw (clean and "adult" versions are thoughtfully provided). I may just be making light of my fears - truth to tell, the thought of an 18-hour flight makes me dizzy. Pass the licorice, willya?
 

It may be a crazy thought for a post-2K mind like yours, but television used to end at night. You'd watch the late news, groove to the national anthem, and then fall asleep to eight hours of static. It began fresh in the morning, with a strikingly composed static image called a test pattern - in the UK, a test card. The Test Card Gallery saves these soon-to-be-relics, displaying them as found artworks. Oddly enough, it works. These cards, as handsome today as they were once functional, serve as a perfect visual metaphor for the birth of the age of communication and the technicians that made even the most annoying shite play like Shakespeare. A special thanks to wayward Lemur Guy for sending this one in.
 

So what do I want from Thailand? Well, to be honest with you, I'm hoping to see some elephants. This may be more difficult than it sounds: according to the Friends of the Asian Elephant website, Thailand's wild elephant population is on a steady decline, largely from hunting and deforestation. The FAE, a non-profit organization, seeks to help preserve the population, and after you read through their site, you'll likely want to help. At the turn of the century, there were approximately 300,000 elephants in Thailand; today, there are just about 5000. Perhaps I'll see one, but statistically speaking, there's a lot more drunken American tourists over there right now, and I can see one of those every morning when I shave.

Needless to say, you can send me mail and site choices while I'm gone. (And it would be nice to come home to some mail that doesn't begin with "EARN MORE $$$!") I'll see you on November 24, with a Thai tan and legs bowed from elephant riding or worse. Stay outta trouble, you crazy mahout.