I'm flying to Thailand in a few weeks. No particular reason, aside from never having been there. You know how it is - somebody catches a Lonely Planet special, you find out how low air fares really are and the next thing you know, you're gripped by the very idea of that muddy old river and reclining Buddha.

That said, you must forgive me if I seem a bit distracted for the next few weeks. If you were three weeks away from ancient culture, white sand beaches and unlimited green curry, would you be giving the freaking Web a second thought?

In the tradition of "Dopey Took a Trip" and "An American Gnome in Prague" comes a very different kind of world odyssey, one that will warm your heart and stir your appetite for a fruit smoothie. Sure, everybody's heard the story of the stolen lawn ornament that circumnavigates the globe in photos sent to the home from which it was gnome-napped, but has anyone ever actually seen these pictures? The Passenger already owes a big up to Robert and Brian Philpot for actually producing the much-debated world tour -- the page travels from Arizona to Paris and all points in-between. And they've replaced the lawn gnome -- a tired concept - with that most versatile of foodstuffs: a banana. The brothers traveled around the world with a banana, and unlike Dopey, it's unlikely the banana ever saw home again. One can only speculate as to whether they chose to devour their little travelling companion at the Donner Pass, as The Passenger would surely have done. Tough luck, little guy. But, hey - at least you saw Paris, right?
 

I don't watch much TV, but I recognize that you probably do. You've probably got a thing for the Real World, Tom Green, or that goddamn Van der Beek kid. It's not any of my business, but doesn't your excessive TV viewing cut into your Web-surfing time? Whatever the case, I think you should make a habit of visiting TV Ultra, an intelligent and sexy television digest from the unstoppable hipster juggernaut that brings you super web 'zine bOING bOING and half the good shit your read in magazines. (The other half is written by Tom Junod; live with it.) TV Ultra reduces the entire broadcasting day -the Big Four, the cable void, the Dubba squared - to one program. Just one. And they usually provide an impeccable reason why you should watch that program. TV Ultra is so fabulous that I'll even forgive them for losing my pick -- for Cartoon Network's "The Powerpuff Girls" -- somewhere in their growing and glowing archives.
 

This is what happens when a type-A fellow gets on the right foot. The Las Vegas Movie List is exactly what it seems to be at first blush: It features every film that's ever been centered on, shot scenes in, or even mentioned The Passenger's humble little hamlet in passing. From the classics ("Ocean's Eleven," "Diamonds Are Forever," "Casino") to the abominations ("Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man," "Damnation Alley") to the movies that weren't even here, but said they were ("Get Shorty," "Heat"), the exceedingly well-lit gang's all here.
 

You have to admire Pat DeNizio, singer / songwriter for 1980s alt.rock band The Smithereens. He's straight-up - he has no supermodel girlfriend, no rock star pretensions, has no embarrassing peccadilloes for "Behind The Music" to unearth and is equally happy singing for 7000 people, as he did in the band's critically-lauded, "Blood and Roses" heyday, as he is singing for 70 -- last week, most likely. So what does a forward-thinking, yet deeply traditional fellow do when the technological revolution has more or less run him over, and the kids would rather vomit to "All for the Nookie" than listen to "A Girl Like You?" You appeal to the listening public's two most adorable traits: 1) its desire to be rock stars, and 2) their willingness to put a $350 charge on their Visa. For that sum, DiNizio will write a song that fits any lyrics you send the way of his Psycholaborations website. He'll also complete any unfinished songs you might have rattling around, and he offers a money-back guarantee. Even if you don't admire the man's chops, inventiveness and outright bravery (I certainly don't want to hear your unfinished songs), you have to admire that money-back guarantee. That's quality service, baby.

Do you know anything about Thailand? Do you know anything about the web? To paraphrase "Ferris Bueller's Day Off": "Do you know anything?" Tell me about it. I'm the one at passenger@vegaslounge.com, dreaming of Ko Si Chang.