Oh, the cruelties your "Lost Generation" foists upon its betters! Here I was, prepared for nothing more strenuous then croquet and the hammock for the balance of the Labor Day holiday, when my n'er-do-well ward and unrepentant reprobate, Geoffrey Marvin Carter IV, rang me up with some wild tale of drunkenness and calamity from the Bumpershoot Festival. The blackguard was in jail for inciting a riot (some deviltry about "burning the Plaid Flag" in direct defiance of Seattle's well-known draconian constitution)! Not only did I require the services of a common bail bondsman, but Geoffrey informed me that, in his enforced absence, I must write his Passenger column about the World Wide Web. This noxious bit of journalistic folderol, for which he was weekly paid a mere pittance by a cruel and obviously insane taskmaster, was the only thing standing between him and the work gang. I had no recourse, as I had just cut everyone else out of my will in favor of this long-haired scoundrel who inexplicably remains dear to my foolish heart. But a Web Column! Imagine! Forced to shake hands with the slimy tendrils of the Internet Octopus! After four stiff brandies, I sat down at the Mouth of the Cybernetic Jackanapes in quest of places to sate the readers' terrible thirst for Diversions from Their Pitiful Existence!!!
 

The vast and complete ignorance of American History shown by every young whippersnapper has become quite intolerable. For instance, I can scarcely credit my incredulity when I learned that an overwhelming majority of teens believe that the United States is a Republic! What an insult to our beloved sovereign, Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico! Further, these know-nothing scamps maintain that Congress was never abolished, that a single Universal Religion was never established, and that the abominable slang word "Frisco" was never banned from use in the Imperial City of San Francisco! These dunderheads even claim that our Emperor was nothing but a deluded, destitute businessman named Joshua Norton who lost his fortune and preceded to lose his mind by proclaiming himself Emperor on September 17, 1859! Oh, the scandalous, treason-dipped tongues of our misguided youth!
 

I fail to understand all the brouhaha about this McGwire fellow and his run for some obscure record. In fact the National and American Leagues are quite below my sportsman's radar. Why, such blundering amateurs and their follies pale in comparison to the excitement of real athletics: namely, The Cosmic Baseball Association. Who can resist hooting at Gabriel Dante Rossettis's inept pitching in the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood's recent matchup against the Ridertown Tarotians? Or the Eden Bohemians stunning win over the Psychedelphia Woodsox, when Samuel Beckett caught Abbie Hoffman's pop fly in the bottom of the ninth to tie up the series? I seriously doubt that pups like Sammy Sosa could stand up to the caliber of players like Emily Dickinson (outfield), President James Monroe (centerfield) and Archimedes (pitcher). Not only does the CBA's website offer valuable statistics on each team, but it keeps biographical data on all of its players, some of whom led surprisingly interesting lives before their current glory days. For instance, did you know that before his pitching career with the Paradise Pisces, Sigmund Freud invented psychoanalysis? Imagine!
 

Just the other day I was reminded again of the reprehensibly low quality of service to which Ma Bell has descended! I was trying to dial my Phrenologist, Dr. Heddy T. Bumpus, at her fishing lodge in Olympia, WA. I clearly told the operator "Please connect me to FLeetwood 6-5431," and the impudent creature pretended not to know what I was talking about! She had the temerity to tell me that exchange names were no longer used as telephone addresses! Enraged, I immediately went to the Telephone EXchange Name Project, where, as any fool can see, all the nations telephone exchange names are clearly listed. There's even a handy table that enables even the mentally-challenged to discern what their phone number's exchange name would be. Can you imagine a world where such lovely phone addresses as FAirfax 8-4021, CRestwood 7-9086, and MErcury 1-8904 would be replaced by mere strings of numbers? Neither can I. I shall write a letter to Ma Bell forthwith about their insolent operator!