It's GIF, dammit, not "jif." You sound like a goddamned yahoo when you say "jif." Or maybe ... maybe "jif" is correct. Could be an East versus West thing. In that case, I claim GIF for the West - hard G. No matter how you pronounce it, it's still the same, wonderful Graphics Interchange Format, a creation of the phonetically-challenged folk at CompuServe. Meanwhile, normal people get the hell on with their lives.
 

The most wonderful thing about the Web - aside from the opportunity to view suggestive advertising from other nations, more on that in a moment - is reading stories that otherwise might have gone untold in a pure-analog society. Within 10 months - the Web equivalent of years, don't you know - the odyssey of Steve Amaya and Chuck Atkins will be legend, mark my words. Grizzled veterans will tell the tale to fresh-faced newbies, embellishing on what is, as it stands, a fairly unbelievable truth: these two guys drove some 300 miles to hang up a pay phone in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Far from being a quirky anecdote about two truly eccentric men, Mission: Hang it Up has the character of a real odyssey: the tempest (a high-desert rainstorm), the Golden Fleece (the phone booth, 15 miles off Interstate 15), even the Isle of the Dead (Denny's, Barstow). The men drive, unafraid, into the mouth of madness. They WILL hang up that phone. Tell your children, and pass on what you have learned.
 

What is Pocky? Is it a malady, a type of weird sex or a little wiener dog barking, barking, barking? C'mon, how old are you? Anyone who knows anything knows that Pocky is a "Super Snack" from the Land of the Rising Sun. Created by Japanese candy manufacturer Glico, Pocky is, in essence, a flavored breadstick (but not), coated with chocolate and/or nuts (but not always) and is wildly popular with today's young smart set, popular enough to spawn a series of imitators. Dave's Wonderful World of Pocky is your one-stop Pocky information source, with a FAQ, a short list of Pocky vendors and scans of popular Pocky packaging - and in English, unlike the official Glico site. Hell, Dave even makes it possible for you to order Pocky over the Web. Basically, he does everything but stick a Pocky in your unenlightened kisser. Still unconvinced? Perhaps a suggestive advertisement will change your mind. Click here - and send the kids out of the room.
 

Kirk Cameron is having an affair with Rosanna Arquette (let's just say). One afternoon, after a rigorous session of horizontal aerobics, chased by a marathon viewing session of the 700-odd hours of horrible, crappy films they've appeared in, there's a resolute knock at the door. Is it Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith, down from Brentwood for a late tea? Is it Garth Brooks, in from Tennessee to warn them of the folly of their ways? Or is it a jealousy-crazed Pia Zadora - Christ, not Pia! - bent on getting Kirk and/or Rosanna for herself? O, scandal! And even more importantly - whose driveway are they all standing on when this life-altering exchange takes place? Is it cobblestone or concrete? Lined with stately pines or Florida Slash palms? Whatever the case, Driveways of the Rich and Famous - a web outgrowth of John Cunningham's Los Angeles cable TV show - fulfills the concrete and masonry part of the scenario. The balance of the fantasy falls on you, and your overactive imagination. Sorry, WebTV folks aren't welcome here. Kirk, you rotten bitch.
 

"Is this why we hired him?" asks Guy the Creative Director, rolling his eyes at my little proclivity: playing movie quotes from the fabulous Movie Sounds Page. "You know, if we took away his sound card, he wouldn't be able to communicate with us anymore," adds Bryan the General Manager hopefully. To which I retort, "Eat me, dammit! That's an order!" with the voice of Jim Carrey ("The Truman Show," 1998). Oh, sure, I could make normal conversation with my co-workers, but why? I've got the snappy retorts of Anthony Hopkins ("The Silence of the Lambs") and Kevin Spacey ("The Usual Suspects"). I've got the "little doe-eyed de-ah" exchange from "My Cousin Vinny" - the one that won Marisa Tomei a freakin' Academy Award. What need I with social discourse when I've got Natalie Wood and Jack Lemmon? Steve Buscemi and William H. Macy? Beavis and Butthead? Keep your opinions to yourself, pal, or I'll get out the "Full Metal Jacket" quotes. Dirtbag!

You know what GIF really stands for? Honestly? Truly? It stands for GIant Freaking cone! Nuts! Chocolate! And GIANT CONE! Eat! It is enjoyment in the mouth!