Yes, I liked "The Phantom Menace." In fact, I wrote the only positive review in America that wasn't written by Mike Medved or someone similar - press-junket mutants who make a living by turning out pusillanimous print-ad quotables. (Roger Ebert's mixed review came close to the Sunny Side of the Force, but he's this close to a fanboy. Name another film critic who put "Dark City" in his 1998 top 10 list. His top 10, kids. Wow.)

I received no check from Lucasfilm for my review. I was given no souvenirs of any kind, nor was I promised a high tea at the Four Seasons with the soon-to-be-canonized-by-dumb-horny-fanboys star of the piece, Natalie Portman. None of these things happened, and yet, I liked the freaking movie anyway. You know why? Because it was a MOVIE, pal, and you either like movies or you don't. And you'll like "The Phantom Menace," unless you're kinda uptight or very, very stupid. Nah, I didn't mean that.
 

Things were different back then. We'd hold these huge parties out in the desert outside Mos Espa. One of the Hutts - Jabba, I think - ponied up the money. Darth Maul would spin, taking turns with some guy from San Francisco. Tusken Raiders worked the door ... it was safe, you know? I don't care what the Empire says. And when the evening reached a crescendo, Maul would tweak the decks to get a freaky laser sound and John Williams would take the stage. He'd wave to the crowd - the Tatooine party crowds were much looser than the Goa crowds - rap his baton gently on the podium, and kick the London Symphony Orchestra into "Duel of the Fates." Well, what could everybody do then but go freaking nuts? The glowsticks and lightsabers started waving in the air, Maul started doing those cool-assed kung fu kicks of his and Jar Jar would break out the good stuff, straight from the spice mines of Kessel. (You had to be careful - you could never tell the undercover Jedi from the regular party crowd. Plus, they did that weird thing with their minds: "You will tell me who your connection is." Scary stuff. These guys, man, they just need to relax.) At any rate, this unofficial informational site on "Star Wars" music composer John Williams kinda reminds me of those days. After a fashion.
 

Flashback to January 1987: The last time I lined up for a "Star Wars" premiere. It was about three in the morning, and we had drank an awful lot of Jolt Cola, but by God, we got our fix .... By now, the more fanatical of you have said to your monitor, "But the last 'Star Wars' movie - before this one, of course - was 'Return of the Jedi' in 1983. And the reissues came out last year." All true, my sentimental friends, all true. What we queued up for was the launch of Disneyland's "Star Tours" simulator attraction. And no matter how many pretenders to the throne I have tried - the most obvious being the Las Vegas Hilton's "Star Trek: The Experience" thingamabob - "Star Tours" remains my hands-down favorite. This fun, uno..site offers a deep look at this technological and thematic milestone, complete with photos, a ride script and behind-the-scenes information. (On an unrelated note - visit the link to the Enchanted Tiki Drums. And have your Shockwave ready. It's kooky.) If you haven't been on the ride yet, heed this advice: hold out for the front seat, no matter the cost, and wait at least 30 minutes after eating. If only some of us had, but ... well, it was 12 years ago, and we hadn't eaten as much as we had drank, so it was our own fault. Much as we would like to blame our queasiness on those goddamn Ewoks.
 

When I was a boy ... well, I'm still a boy, and will continue to be one unless I decide to become a girl. Anyway, when I was a boy, I used to hang out at my friend Terrence's house, blowing up his "Star Wars" action figures with M-80s and filming the resulting mess with his dad's Super-8 camera. In our own, primitive way, we imagined we were making sequels - to "Star Wars" or "Apocalypse Now," none could say. Oh, impetuous youth! The safe 'n' sane equivalent to this storytelling process lives at Roderick Vonhogen's Virtual Edition page, an entertaining - albeit spoiler-rich - approach to "The Phantom Menace." Months before anyone had seen a single trailer, Vonhogen took what he knew of the script and the visuals and pieced together an illustrated narrative - the "virtual edition" of the title - with Photoshop and what little art he could find. The resulting "print" comes eerily close to the finished products, and even includes a couple of "discarded scenes" that were either cut from Lucas' script or deliberate misinformation spread to Harry Knowles by LucasThugs. Regardless, it's a fun romp, and goes a way toward proving the old axiom: "Anticipating something is more fun than remembering something." Unless it's your first "Star Tours" experience.
 

I can't say anything about The Force.net that hasn't been said a million times by a million others - more informative in many respects than the official site, conscientious in its use of spoilers, kinda cool in an incredibly dweebish way - so I'll limit my appraisal of the site to one word: "Troops." Download it, watch it, laugh with it, and fear, fear, fear it. This is what we've come to, Jedi and Jediettes, and it makes the original "Star Wars" look like the work of demented minds. Oh, that's right ... it was!

By now, you're probably in line. Kids, I'm with you. Not physically, of course, because I've already seen it. I sincerely hope you enjoy the film, and I'll see you at a repeat (for me) screening. Don't hate me. The Darths made me do it.