Well, the boss is out of town and we've gone CRAZY! We're slashing prices left and right! Take a look at these sweet beauties - every one of them personally picked by Geoff Carter, the Artist Formerly Known as The Passenger! You won't see these sites in a more creative setting if you search the world over, my friend! And since we're closing up shop at the end of the month, they're all yours for the unbelievably low price of FREE!

Just remember us at tax time, that's all we ask. Can we sleep on your couch? Maybe make one or two long-distance phone calls?
 

"Thrift Score" author and memorabilia goddess Al Hoff recently tested the waters at Ebay. She had been resistant - nothing chafes our beloved girl reporter like those jerks who gauge others for common thrift objects - but she had a few things to get rid of, and hey, why the hell not? So she took a digital photo of her unused "Bewitched" coloring book, and put it on the digital block for all of one dollar. The denouement: As of this morning, bidding has topped $122, and continues to climb. You see, what Al probably didn't know at the time - but no doubt realizes now - is that "Bewitched" was one of the most significant comedies in television history. It was a high-concept affair that never played over its audience's head; it starred no less than two guys named Dick in the same role; it dealt with occult themes in an honest, wholly humanist manner. And Elizabeth Montgomery, in her prime, could wallop the living crap out of Sarah Michelle Gellar, enchanted blonde-wise. But don't take The Passenger's word for it. Visit The Bewitched and Elizabeth Montgomery Web Site, and lay your money down.
 

"The Day The Earth Stood Still," Robert Wise's cautionary 1956 science fiction epic, added at least a dozen important things to the cultural vernacular. For one thing, "Army of Darkness," the second-greatest film of all time, would have been very, very different. And there's Gort, the first and best of the killer robots from outer space. No alien threat has come close to dimming this guy's eight-foot-tall, gleaming metallic celebrity. The Alien? Gort would melt it down to goulash. E.T.? Gort would play half-court hoops with his head. Perhaps no alien deserves a tribute page more than Gort, and thanks to James Gerard, he gets one that could stop the world. Niktu! I just knew it was an "n" word!
 

Brando. Lord Larry Olivier. Drew Barrymore's granddaddy. Punk-assed amateurs. The greatest actor of our age - aside from William Shatner - is Eric, a 22-year-old gearhead from Mountain View, CA. His page, Eric Conveys an Emotion, more or less redefines the art of command performance - basically, you command him, and he performs. Pick an emotion - Eric's got it nailed. And we're not just talking "happiness," "sadness" and "anger"; Eric has taken on "unctuous," "consternation," and "horny." Huzzah! And don't even get him started on "motherly love," "invisibility" and "Coming to the Conclusion that Eating Razor Blades isn't Healthy..." We'll be staring, glassy-eyed, at the proscenium for the better part of a day, wondering when the indefatigable thespian will get to the death of Caesar. It's all buildup to what may be Eric's greatest performance: he actualizes "Soylent Green is people!" with a Shatner-sized expression of yowling despair and a white-bread sammich. Hey, who ordered the ham?
 

Gettin' down. Shaggin'. Doin' the nasty. Having s-e-x. In our backward society, I could write at length about diseases and mass murderers and exploding limbs, but God forbid I mention even one of the really swell boogie-bangs I've enjoyed. C'mon, everybody does it! In fact, some have done it in such a manner that international recognition must be paid. You can say what you will about James Doohan, but he's got nothing on Les Colley, who fathered a child at the age of 93. Think "The Blair Witch Project" is the most profitable film of all time, with its low overhead cost and three dopes lost in the woods? Guess again: it's "Deep Throat," with a $22,000 budget, a $100 million-plus gross, and Ron Jeremy lost in Linda Lovelace. Ah, you want to know where I come up with this stuff? I got it all from World Sexual Records, a straight-up (no pun intended) examination of the irresistible force. You won't believe half of what you read here, but it's all true. By the by, the above title was taken from a John Holmes film - who, over the course of his 2,274 pornographic features, more than likely lost count.

My new column, "Tourists for Breakfast," opens in this space in just under a month. Are you excited? I am. Don't worry: You can expect the same inattention to quality and detail you've come to expect from this column. We will not be undersold!